Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
