He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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