i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
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