At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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