When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
