He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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