oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
