Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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