Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
