I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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