Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
