she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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