My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
