We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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