You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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