So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
time to smoke my breakfast
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
