Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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