You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
