she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
