DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
She's like a pop up book from hell.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
