Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
