drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
