So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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