I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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