Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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