Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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