just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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