Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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