I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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