he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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