Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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