apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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