this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
