We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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