I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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