I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
