oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
