so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize