i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
