Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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