happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
