We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
