wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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