upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
