hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
