people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
