I threw up into my coffee this morning.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
