I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
