So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
