Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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