those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize