I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize