fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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