she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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