theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
