so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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