I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
