i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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