ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
