Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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