I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
