You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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